Today I did stuff. It was swell. I got e-books ready for this month. I finished reading my book, in spite of my mother calling to tell me all about the million cookies she's baking to send to Iraq. I swear, my cousin Mark is gonna be the fattest American soldier the Iraqis have ever seen if he stays there long enough. He'll gain 300 pounds every time my mom sends him a care package. The Iraqis will refer to him as Markzirra! And they'll run in fear whenever his shadow falls over Baghdad...ALL over Baghdad! He was pretty slim the last time I saw him. Next time I might not recognize him. At least I won't be able to miss him in a crowd from now on, whether I recognize his massive form or not. Come to think of it, after my mom's cookies get to him, I could probably see him from here. In fact, instead of having a tree this year, maybe I'll just send him a care package of my own, containing thirty-trillion Christmas lights and a note that reads: "Merry Christmas, Mark, my cousin only once removed...and by that I mean removed all the way to Iraq. Please put these on after you eat my mom's cookies. That way I can see your engorged, Christmasy self shining on the horizon from my window, and I will raise a glass of egg nog in your direction wishing you a peaceful Christmas. In the Middle East. XOXO Cousin Glenn (Also once removed, though for now I think I'll stay put) PS---No matter how cute they are, remember camel spiders make lousy pets." Yes, that's what I'll do. Better tell Mom to double the Crisco for Markzirra: an experiment in calories soon to have gone HORRIBLY wrong!